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Inevitably_Entranced

6:43 am and I just got home..

I'm really just not as strong as I thought I was..
I've come to the point where I honestly can't take it anymore
And therefor, I'm not going to..

I'm so fucking sick of it, all if fuckin ever does is hurt me.
And why would I want that in my life?
I don't. So..I'm done.

Today was alright.
I didn't get any sleep last night, but I'm hoping tonight will be better.
Grief Group Reunion today! It was pretty cool. Nice to see everyone back together again. The majority of them are really good people and I love them dearly. Heh.

After school I got to be a bitch to Tyler Eckles for him being an anal ass piece of shit at Casey's. I don't think he gets that I really don't like him. I hate anal people. I mean shit, some people are just too fucking stupid sometimes and it doesn't make sense to me so I ask them about it and they act like I'm joking around. I'm just fucking thinking in my head "Alright, so I tried to just be nice about it and you act like it's a joke..what the fuck, I'm asking you a fucking question..stop stallin and answer it bitch!" ugh, but instead I'll just always say they're fuckin stupid or something. Whatever..

Then Casey and I just chilled at her crib. It was fun. We had fun with the fuckin press n' seal! It was tight.
Then we went and chilled with T-bitch. It was super sweet. We went to Horizen and went to the bridge. I really love it back there..eeee! It's just..in the woods and I like nature so it's fun.

Went back to Casey's later, and then came home.

I hate how my emotions keep changing!!! Ugh. Like..they change all the time, but it's always a negitive feeling. Rather I'm really happy and excited or else I'm like..ughhh down..need to do something ya know?

Two reasons. One..because yea, you don't really need to know, and those of you who know..know what I'm talkin about. Two..because I'm quiting smoking cigs. I've just had it, and it's really hard. I took a total of 3 hits today. I'm feining like a mother fucker but I'm just stick of always turning to a cig when I'm bored or just..I don't even know. All it is, is just bad for you. No good comes out of it so I'm done. Or else..I really hope.

Hmm..my mind was just drifting off and I remember the conversation Casey and I were having before I left. I was talkin about how my emotions just kept changing and how I just felt really unsatisfied with something..
But I'm thinking about it now
I think I'm just unsatisfied with everything.
I always..get these crazy thoughts in my head of the way I think the world should work..like the bigger issues in the world and what would happen if they were never there..the perfect society type thing.
I often find myself just think about it, and think of the bad and the good and possible outcomes of everything..sometimes I really find myself getting lost in my thoughts...
And then I come back to reality..and it's..not fair. I just want to go back. If I could, I would dream all day and all my friends would be in my head the way I'd want to and I would never leave. I know I would never learn anything else and everything would be fake..but I wouldn't care because I was happy, ya know.
I hate so much about this country and this just..world that it really depresses me. So many people are just selfish and put themselves forward than everyone else. Which..I guess they say you're supposed to do that. But I think taking care of people as a whole, is more important than individual.

If this isn't making any sense to you..let me put it in easier terms.
People aren't opening their eyes. We need to.
We're supposed to be the future of america/the world
Do you talk to anyone at our fucking school?
Everyone is fucking concerned with how they look and paying 60 dollars for a pair of jeans just because their ass looks good in them..
When there are children, and so many other people that don't even have clothes and are starving to death and sick.

It's not fair. It's really not. And I wish there was really something I could do, but I have no money. I just wish..everything wasn't the way it is..and was better.

As the days go on, the more I'm realizing that some of the shit we do is stupid and pointless and I should be able to choose if I want to do something or not. Like school, I don't agree with some of the shit the teachers tell us. Therefor if I have an legit reason shouldn't I be excused?
I'm also deff starting to hate laws and the government.
I think they let it go to their head.
They all say how the power thing is equal and balanced and what not..but it's really not.
They just want us to fuckin think that, that way they can make all our desicions for us..cause after all..they do have a major impact on our thinking.

Unless your totally into your own way of thinking.
I know I am, I'm a little outside of the box heh, so it figures.

I'm done rambeling..it was fun.
Peace out.

Currently Playing Slow Ride By Foghat see related

- I fucking love this song. But not as much as I love the Clapton! -

Today was crazy. Filled with ups and downs. Ughhh, damnit.
This morning started out alright. I didn't want to get up this morning, but thats no surprise cause I never do. But last night I was just thinking about everything in a wayyyyy negitive way and it fucked me up for today.

My daddy got me breakfast though, that was sweet!  I was only like 10 minutes late for class today, so I don't think it'll count as an absence..yesss! I'm gonna be so pissed if I get dropped though. I really like that class, it's fun and easy and I don't have to talk to anyone and it's the morning so it's chill.
Some girl said some shit when I came in though, it wasn't so I was supposed to hear it but I did..whatev. I don't care that I'm late everyday..why should you, ya know.

NB sucked!!!! Ughhh...Ashley and I got into a huge fight about nothing, it was fucking stupid as hell!! I get pissed just thinking about it! I just left and went and talked to Amy and vented out a little bit before going to 3rd hour. Casey got moved away  it's such bullshit! Now I'm not ever gonna get any Swedish Fish and those things are good as hell. It's a good thing I sit by Travis though, we keep things entertaining kinda. Ha.
I love how Mr. Knetchel will always call on me when he doesn't think I'll know the answer and totally know it. He always tries to say "oh you didn't know cause you were talking right?" or whatever he says but I usually know so hahah! I love it. I can't wait til next year when I'm in his promotional marketing class and I've already taken it but got dropped like a month before the semester ended so it sucked. But I know everything and have all my papers so it's sweet!

4th hour was gay! I'm beginning to hate math more and more. There's way too many formula's for solving/simplifying shit. I don't want to take FST next year. Hopefully I'll just have some smart person in there. Haha, that'd be SWEET if I got it with Micky. It would be fun and learning haha, just like english right? that shits way too easy heh.
But yea, Math is stupid. I really don't need to know any of this shit. I need to know the basics and I'm good. I mean seriously, I couldn't even get a job that requirs that high of math anyway..no one would hire me, unless there stupid...therefor I shall always have an easy job...or uhhh..something like that..

Lunch was an expierence, heh..Casey knows what I'm talking about. No but fer real, lunch was gay cause me and ashley weren't talking but I hung out with Casey so that was cool. The school store has Monters for fucking 1.25. Everywhere else sells em for 2. I love that school store. I hope I get to work in it my senior year..I probably will seeing as I'd taken both his classes and Mr. K likes me anyway. But yea, Ashley came up to me and we kinda talked but I didn't even wanna talk about shit cause then I'd just get more pissed and I wasn't even pissed then but dissapointed, big difference ya know. So we just didn't talk.
5th hour was depressing, but got better. I really like Carly, Kerry, and Cassandra (there like the only people I talk to in there, cause like everyone else is just stupid) but yea I don't know, it's always just really funny. We do the dumbest shit, but it doesn't even matter.. I love it. I can just be a dumbass (which I do anyway) so it's alright. I hate it when we have to do shit in that class though. I like free time, all the time..this week we have to swim. We'll I'll see about that, I'm not fucking swimming in that pool with those people anyway. theres NOOO way. Let alone, I don't like to be practically naked in front of just anybody..and everybody. Fuck that shit, thats all I gotta say. Is FUCK that shit. lol...I crack myself up. eeee.

6th hour was weird. All we learned to do was go to some stupid website called noodletools and learn how to make a bibliography. hehe I like how I put the link. I'm such a dork. Then after that, we went to the comps across the hall and I typed up Mine and Courtneys bibliography and then we all had to go back to the classroom and make sure we remembered how to do an outline. That class is so easy. If anyone is in that class and reads this and thinks it's hard than really, you are just an idiot. They like literally tell you everything you have to do, and how. I love it, it's so awesome and easy. You just gotta do your shit, ya know?

After school I met Casey at the square we agreed to meet at after school. lol, during lunch it was so funny. We just stood and there and acted like idiots. So we did it again for the hell of it after school. Then Anna took Casey and I to Casey's. Heh, Anna almost forgot Katherine. Only not really, it was funny.
Then like 5 minutes later Ashley called me and we just talked and then She came over to Casey's and we chilled there til Casey had to go to work and then my dad picked us up and we went to Ashleys.
We hung out inside for a sec then went outside to go smoke or do something and Brandon B and some Shawn kid came and picked us up and we parked back in the apartments and chilled. It was tight.
Then they left and Ashley and I just walked around and chilled. Went to the park..walked around. Went to the pond..then finally went to the front and my dad picked me up. And now I'm home and have to clean my room.
My dad is like so excited I'm cleaning it lol. He's like coming in and picking random shit up and throwing it away. Haha. It's such a mess though...like you don't even know. Everything and I mean pretty much everything I have is on my floor, and all my clothes..which will be good that I wash cause I kinda need to, ehhh. All of my shit smells like cigs or weed or that fuckin bong water I spilled on myself...eeeps, I fucked that up lol.

Lets just say..I was having sooooooooo much fun today after school til like now. Heh, I'm an idiot, I know. Sometimes I hate myself for being so stupid but shit..atleast I'm having...fun? Ehhhh, I suck.

I hate downers. They're no fun. But I HATE uppers because when you come down it's horrible. Fuck drugs, they suck.
I think I've been doing this shit too long.
I really need to stop, because all it's making me want to do is get deeper in shit, and thats no good ya know?

But maybe if I wasn't so fucking bored all the time, didn't hang out with a lot people who just wanna do that shit all the time and get into it so young shit could be a lot better.
But then again you never know..
I'm just happy I really know who I am right now in my life and can be comfortable with myself for the most part. I mean, I really stick by what I believe in and tell shit how it is to me. I love being honest, lol. But I know some of the desicions I make are stupid and it kinda pisses me off I still do em ya know? I really hope I learn soon. I mean, the first step to getting "better" is admitting it to yourself. But then again, sometimes I feel like I don't have myself, but drugs more or less have me..it's not like it's just a part of who I am, but who I am..if that makes any sense. I don't know I'm crazy. Being really insecure right now would ruin me, I'm just really happy I'm not.

Fuck stress, fuck drugs, and most of all
Remember that I love you. lol, can you say bi polar or what

Currently Playing Failure On By Beloved (US) see related

-

This weekend was fun.

Last night I hung out with Matt Wood. We went over to his friend Casey's house and there were some people over there and what not. Jen and Anna were over there though so it was fun to hang out with them.
We all just played cards and shit, it was really fun. Heh.
I stayed the night at Matt's and then he took me home earlier today. How cool.

Today has been a day of thinking for me.
I finished all my homework so that was good..but then it got my mind drifting off to such thoughts that I don't even know why I think of them. Really, all they do is make me want what I can't have even more.

It's not fair. It's really not. To fucking waste almost 5 months of just..this.
Nothing has changed, but nothing is the same.
         
I thought I actually might've had something here. I'm such a fucking fool.
I always get so close..so, so, so close. And then everything just falls through my fingers before I even realized anything was wrong..and there still is nothing wrong other than hearing something that might or might not be true.
But either way, it's broken my heart.
I got so far this time too..damn.
I'm getting really sck of it. It's like..I know I have to get over it, and I have to be stronger than it and move on..but I don't want to.
I was happier with the way it was. But shit happens..so I guess I'll go back to step 1.
Even though this whole me in love with this boy is stupid. We've never even talked about it, I don't even think he knows I have any interest in him what so ever. I could try and talk to him about it but it's too hard to just..say anything.
I'm so stupid..I have nothing to lose, I mean nothing to lose out of this and yet everything to gain. If I don't say anything, I'm going to regret it more than if I did because there would still be that little part of me that wouldn't have ever known...ughhhhhhhh too confusing.

But I really just hate liars. He's lied to me so much about so much shit it's what hurts more than anything. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Otherwise don't even bother saying anything in the first place, because I'm not gonna care if you object to something..it's like you try to say what I want to hear but then..don't really follow through.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN YOUR WORDS.
And every single time you lie you just break my fucking heart and I'm really tired of it. And I know it's all my fault so I guess I just shouldn't talk to you anymore. We'll see how that goes.
But I can almost garantee that we'll hang out sometime this week. Just because it'll happen. And then I'll get all excited again, and then just let down. I need to talk to him..I just have to get it all out..

What feelings can fuckin do to ya.
Damnit.

So enough of that. I guess my G-ma is getting property up north for sure and we're gonna go put the camper thing up there soon so hopefully I'll be having some parties up north! That'd be so freakin tight. I can't even wait til this summer, it's gonna be awesome.

And tomorrow should be wonderful as well. Ashley and my chillin time..heh, if you only knew!!
   

What is your full name? Lauren Wilson
Nicknames? Lo, Laur, Lauren girl
Single or taken? Single
Sex? Female
Where do you live? Michigan
Sex or ice cream? Sex if it could be with the only person I'd really have sex with, if not then Ice cream
What color underwear are you wearing right now? Blue
What are you doing right now? Filling this gay thing out
What was the last thing you did?? Smoked a cig
What is right next to you? nothing really
Who was the last person you made out with? Tyler, pff, gah
If you were a toy, what would you be? a freakin furby
Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? hawaii or jamaica
Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? well other than that one boy, Ashley because she's like my best friend
How many people do you have on your buddy list? 104
How's the weather right now? Snowy
Last person you spoke to on the phone? Ashley
Last person who IMed you? i dont know
Last person you IMed? i dont know
What's your ring tone? some ring tone on my phone already
What do you think a toblerone is? i dont know
hair? i dont know
What are you wearing right now? pj pants and a shirt
Do you wear contacts? sometimes
What school do you attend? Holt Senior High
Do you own a vehicle? No
Have you ever won a special award? Not for being special but I should. No, I've gotten like a couple for random different shit
What are your future plans? graduate, college, work
Last film you saw at the cinema? AmittyVille Horror
Did you actually watch it? Yea
Fave day of the year? Saturday
Are you too shy to ask anyone out? I think I might be
If you could change your  name to anything, what would it be? I don't know, I was named this so I'd probably leave it be
Have you ever been in love? I think so
Do you like scary or happy movies?? Both
Christmas or Easter? Christmas
Lust or love? Love
Kisses or hugs? Kisses
If you could change one thing, what would it be? That I could go hang out with that one boy and not even have to worry about anything
What color are your pajamas? Bluish
What color is your toothbrush? Pink
Fave part of the opposite sex? Face
Whats the first thing you think of when you wake up? Oh no!
Roller coaster: scary or exciting? neither, but they're still fun
How many times do you let the phone ring before you answer it? Whenever I can get to it
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be? I think Bob Marley just because that'd be really sweet..or else Jimi Hendrix
Fave quote? "and if they try to tell you love fades with time, tell them there is no such thing as time, it's our time"
Zodiac sign? Capricorn
Half empty or half full? half full
Whats your fave number? 23
Root beer or Doctor Pepper? hmmm both are pretty good
Mud or jelly wrestling? jelly
Skiing or snowboarding? snowboarding
Day or night? night
Summer or winter? summer
Silver or gold? silver
Diamonds or pearls? diamonds
Sunrise or sunset? sunset
Have you ever broken a bone? not a major one
Do you hate anyone? Surprisingly I really do haha.
*How you feel about..*
1* ChEaTiiNg- I think it's stupid and I don't think I would ever cheat on anyone but I think everyone is different and sometimes shit just happens.
2* DriNkiNg- Drinking and driving is the stupidest thing ever, but drinking responsibley can be amazing.
3* Sm0kiNg- I don't recomend it, it pretty much is a waste of time, money, and brain cells. But..when you got nothing else to do..or have just done it too long to even remember anything..you really don't care.
4* DoiNg DruGs- Shit, I think it's fun as hell as long as you be careful
5* HaViNg SeX BeFoRe mArRaiGe- Well, because pretty much everyone does it I think it's cooler NOT to have sex, but thats just me. I mean I probably would've waited if I could've.
6* ThE WaR iN iRaq- I think it's good we got a bad leader out of power but I don't think we did it for the right reasons and therefor think bush is an idiot..but so is everyone who voted for him so whatev. people never fucking learn.
7* buSh bEiNg pReSiDenT- blah
8* LoVe At FiRsT SiTe- I think it's possible..I mean anything is right?
9* StriPpErS- Major props..I don't know how you can do it. Fucking rubbing all up on fat ass old guys that are ugly as hell that have boners..I couldn't do it thats for sure.
10* pRoStiTuTeS- If you wanna go whore yourself out for money have fun with std's
11* sTd'S- Well there's nothing good about std's other than preventing people from having sex...? which..that does nothing so people could have learned from something but of course didn't.
12* GaY MaRraiGes- Support
13* pOp muSiC- is fun
14* RoCk muSiC- is my favorite
15* HipHoP / RaP muSiC- is my second favorite, sometimes my favorite
16* inTeRrAciAl RelAtiioNShiipS- Support..I don't see anything wrong with any kind of relationship unless it's like abusive or something.
17* SepTeMbeR 11th 2oo1 - was sad, hopefully people learned from it..I mean I didn't but then again sure.
18* RoLlEr CoAsTeRs- Are fast, I like to go on them when I'm hot and then it cools me off lol
19* HoRroR moViEs- ah! I love em but they scare me so bad
20* NoN-MaTcHiNg oUtfiTs- ew
21* pOsErS- I hate posers more than like..anything. Ugh, people just need to be themselves
22* VeRy VeRy VerY SeXii ReDhEadS =D- Well shit, I wish I was one.
23* SuMmEr- Can't wait.
24* FaLl- Can't wait.
25* WiNtEr- Hate it
26* SpRiNg- so far hate it
27* SuMmeR- what thats ? number 23 too...why!? wtf
28* poVeRtY- is very sad and I think we should go share our food with the homeless hungry people because it's really sad..and now I am really sad..damnit!
29* pErVerTs- are stupid! And should be kicked in the balls.
30* HoEs- are stupied! and should get a fuckin std or else get the shit beat outta em..they gotta learn somehow! seriously..
31* ScHo0l- ughhh, school is alright sometimes..I hate gettin up early though
32* YoUr Scho0l loCkEr Ro0m- whaaaat
33* YoUr ScHo0l's CaFeTeRiA- is freakin always crowded
34* ThE loCkErs- always get caught on my thumb nail and rip it..ow.
35* YoUr HaLlWayS- always have shit on em! people that litter in that school piss me off cause theres trash cans everywhere.
36* ThE buSeS- are stupid and I'm glad I don't ever have to ride one to or from school again
37* ThE pRiNcipAl- is so mean
38* ThE ViCe PriNcipAl- is so mean, but so damn nice to me. I love Mr. Plunkett
39* StUDeNT CouNciL- I don't even know who they are
40* bRoAdWaY plAys- dont care
41* ShoPpiNg- is fun
42* SwiMmiNg- is fun..except not getting my head wet..I always have ear infections and that shit just hurts
43* plAyIng SpoRts- is boring! I'd rather watch
44* bEsT FriEnDs- Seriously need to listen more often
45* DaNciNg- is the best thing ever
46* MuSiiC- is the best thing ever
47* yOuR loCal moViE ThEaTEr- is pretty sweet
48* YoUr loCal MaLl- well we dont have a local mall so i dont know
49* SuNnY DaYs / RaiNy DayS- sunny days are so much better
50* ThiS SuRvEy- sucks balls
51* pRaNk FoNe CalLs- are immature
52* kiSsiNg on ThE fiRsT DaTe- is alright
54* SeX oN ThE FiRsT DaTe- hahaha can you say whore. Yea..I realize I just called myself a whore, but seriously it's dumb.
55* CoAcH- fuck that
56* lOuiS VatToN- expensive as hell, fuck that
57* AlL DeSiGnEr lAbElS- fuuuuck that
58* AboRtioN- is alright under circumstances
59* AdopTiioN- is awesome and major props to people that do
60* ShOpliFtinG- just makes prices go up even more
61* cHiLd AbuSe- well some people don't realize the difference between getting hit and gettin the shit beat outta them. I think it's alright for a parent to hit a kid or whatever if they're being stupid. but nothing other than that
62* mAkEup- is gay and i wish it was never invented
63* FaShioN- sucks these days, they keep coming out with gayer and gayer shit
64* diSnEy moViiEs- are the shiiiiit
65* sHaRkS- scare me
66* SnAkEs- are sweet
67* RaP muSiC- is sweet!
68* BriTnEy SpEaRs- is a freakin milf
69* CeLl FoNeS- don't know where I'd be without one
70* CoLleGe- is gonna be so much fun, can't wait
71* XaNgA- is so gay
72* aiM- is so gay
73* HuNtiNg- ew
74* CaMpiNg- freakin amazing! Camping just equals partying
74* AoL- gay
75* bEiNg AwAy Fr0M HomE- for more than a week really sucks
76* toMBoYs - are more likely to become dykes.
77* oPeNlY GaY ReLaTioNsHipS- are cool as long as they don't be all up on each other in public. So not a fan of PDA
78* CaNcEr - sucks! it can ruin your life
79* CelEbRaTiNg hAlF biRtHdAyS - pointless
80* ElDeRlY pEoplE - are old? sometimes senile..most of the time are crazy
81* ThE BeAcH - oooh, what I would do to be at the beach with a corona and a blunt
82* HaRrY poTtEr - they better come out with another movie soon, im sick of reading so im just gonna watch the movies.
83* BuFfY ThE VaMpiRE slAyEr - uhhh
84* AsTroNomY - uhh
85* SciEnCe - don't know anything about
86* mAtH - is so stupid, too many formulas
87* EnGliSh - is easy
88* SoCiAl StuDiEs - uhh?
89* ArT - is easy
90* pHyS Ed. - is the gayest class ever
91* HeAlTh - hahah, oh man, can't even wait to take it
92* ChRisTmAs - sucks! two days after my birthday..shit
93* ValEnTinEs DaY - sucks
94* winTEr BrEak o4-o5 - was pretty sweet
95* FaSt Fo0Ds - make you fat, make you die quicker
96* iTaliAn Fo0d - mmm
97* cHinEsE fo0D - mmmm
98* aLl mEaT - what?
99* pEoplE who Cho0se to0 be VeGeTaRiAn - good for them
1o0* ThE suRvEys iN geNEral At xSuRvEyZ_4_y0ux - are so stupid, but i was so bored and now pissed because it was too long